Lets make Hellsing get WIERD
by DarkestVampire
Summary: Four friends, who only know each other from the internet, have been given the chance to go to Hellsing... Yes, that was used countless times already, but its funny, deal. Written for Daysofthenight and anyone who likes Hellsing. Rateing M just to be sure


Hello there! My second Fanfic posted on FF net.. after this stupid two day delay... to understand the whole thing...

Hellsing / Hellsing999, the Author

Crimson / Crimson Affections, also called Daysofthenight

Sommer / Sommersill, Crimsons friend

Rein / Internet friend of both Hellsing and Crimson, and since no one can actually remind her full name, people tend to call her that way.

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Hellsing was nervous. Very very nervous. Extremly Nervous,.to be exact.

He didnt even tell Crimson a thing about comeing today... nor that he was even in South Carolina.

Like a spy he sneaked behind a very slim tree, which covered good 2/4th of him... not even considering the really large tree to his left, which was begging to be used as cover.

"Okay.. calm down, last checks. Hair? Bad. Breath? Could be better... Overall look?"

He looked down on himself, then grinned.

"Horrible."

Quickly, he took out a pair of binoculars, still hideing, while checking the front door.

There!

The evil creature in Person, Crimsons Mother, just left the target site for going to a friend... for more than a week.

"Showdown time..." he wispered, putting the binoculars back into the pocket of is ridiculously tight camouflage suit.

Instead, he flopped flat onto the ground, sneaking around the street, and into behind the house.. getting strange looks from everybody else, which he didnt seem to mind.

Picking up an Apple from the ground, he pulled the pin out like the pin of a grenade, qouteing Bruce Willis, then eating the apple, throwing the pin and jumping behind a bush for full explosion cover.

After five minutes of nothing, he decided to check the situtation on the door again.

Moveing through the muddy grass, he perfectly fitted the scene in his camouflage made for arctic actions... which was makeing him even more odd.

Deborah Croskey was driveing away... his chance to strike, to take point.

But the front door just wont do... that would alert any other not existing threats in the area.

Instread, he grabbed a rope from his tool belt, and a rock to make it throwable, before useing both to climb up the wall up to Crimsons room.

She wasn´t there yet... exellent.

Quietly he opened the window, going in as stealthly as possible, that means, he tripped over his own stupid wire and fell flat on his face, makeing a huge noise.

"What is with all this racke... " Crimson ran up into her room, only to find a complete stranger on her floor.

"H-hi Crimson... " Hellsing stuttered, while standing up and dusting himself off.

"W-wha... how do you know my name?!" Crimson asked, still not getting who was standing in front of her, due the messy Soldier-suit.

"Im Hellsing... Forum.. RPG... got the point?" he asked, starting to get annoyed from her current dumbness.

"... Oh.. Right, now i remember..." Crimson was like, frozen onto the ground, not doing anything, nor saying anything else than what she already did.

"... dont you wanna... greet me or something? Glomp me? Hug me to death?" Hellsing asked, cocking his head to the side.

Crimson blinked, comeing out of her temporary coma, nodding happyly. "Damn right i would! If you weren't this dirty, youd be screaming for mercy right now, cus i OWN at hugging..."

Hellsing rolled his eyes, grinning alittle, as he happyly stripped off his nasty camouflage, makeing the floor even more messed up than it already was.

"Thats better... Crimson grinned, looking at his black shirt with Jeans and the STILL muddy boots from the former Nazi troops.

"I bet it is..." he grinned, checking how her room looked alike...

It was a typical girls room, painted in one of Crimsons favorite colors, blue, while lots and lots of Alucard x Seras Pictures were covering ninety nine precent of each wall, even the ceiling had a large Alucard on it.

Crimson noticed his looks, alittle embaressed, shy, if anything, and urgent to change the topic pretty fast. "Say... how did you know my mom was gone today? And how did you know Sommer is here on the same day?" she asked, with eyes as huge as a hungry puppy.

"Sommer is here?!" Hellsings face changed from disgusted to shocked, not noticing the syruply smell from downstairs, which was takeing over slowly...

Crimson however DID notice it, running downstairs. "Oh God, shes oversugaring herself again!"

On halfway down, she stopped on her tracks, running backwards again and takeing Hellsings hand, dragging him along. "Come on... im sure the idiot needs help by now, and even you could be of use there..."

Indeed, Sommer was way oversugared. Literally.

In fact, Sommer was rolling on the ground, eyes unnaturally wide, giggleing uncontrolably and still eating cookies like corn flakes... that means, she used a tablespoon to get them out of her milk.

Crimson was shocked to see Sommer like that, while Hellsing had already expected something like that... Sommer was just Sommer.

"I... have no idea what to do now..." Crimson said, stareing wide eyed at the sugar queen in her lair.

"I think i know how to get her back to normal... can i try?" Hellsing asked, starting to grin alittle.

"... your grinning frightens me... be careful, i think i might need that maniac sometime again..." Crimson wasnt sure however to thrust him or not... however, for this to work, she was gonna have to.

Slowly, Hellsing approched Sommer, and in a quick, fluid motion he snatched away her Cookies as she wanted to eat another.

"GAAH! My Cookies! You Murderer!" Sommer screamed, sitting up... then suddenly, she looked like she popped out of a bad dream. "...who are you? Do i know you? Are you SANTA?"

Crimson stepped forward to her friend, patting her shoulder before helping her stand up again. "Sommer, how many times do i have to tell you... Santa does not wear black."

Takeing a close look at Hellsing, Sommer was unsure how to judge him. "...Are you sure hes not Santa Clause?"

Crimson let out a loud sigh, then slapping her forehead. "Gawd... why do i have to be friend with such a moron... Sommer, thats Hellsing, my Internet friend. He somehow got here, hes not Santa and im going to be mad if you dont stop calling him Santa!"

Sommer blinked, starting to understand what she just said. "Okay... no Santa... Hello Mr Hellsing."

The said guy murmured something, then greeted the ninny back. "Hi Sommersilly."

Sommers eyes widened immensely, before she started to yell alittle. "GAH! Now i know you! Youre that guy who told Crimson that, and now shes calling me that like, three times a week! IIIII HAAAAATTEE YOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU!"

Blinking repeatly, Hellsing stepped back from her, trying to get away as far as possible. "Glad you remember that one..."

"Okay.. now that were one big happy family again, Hellsing, how the heck did you get here?" Crimson asked, looking as cludeless as ever.

"Well... you see, takeing little jobs every once a while really helps you getting a pile of cash.." smileing, he sat down on some chair in the kitchen, looking at both girls who were currently killing him with invisible daggers for not standing around with them.

"Alright.. so, you traveled all alone across the ocean without any help?" that question was easyly answerd with an smiley nod from him.

"DO YOU KNOW IN HOW MUCH DAMN TROUBLE I AM IF MOM FINDS OUT?!!?!" Crimson suddely screamed, waveing her arms uncontrolably.

"Uhm... no? Crap, i havent thought about that one yet..." scratching his head, Hellsing was now the one looking like cludeless, and was suddely pulled off the chair from Sommer, just to sit down herself.

"Hey! What the... oh.." that outburst of him was followed by a high pitched giggle of Crimson.

"So... what are we gonna do now?" Hellsing asked, disturbed about Crimsons inhuman giggle.

"Lets check the INTERNET!" Sommer said, wooting her fists up in the air... and no one followed that.

"I guess thats a thing we could do... or we could..." Hellsings sentence was interrupted by the doorbell.

Crimson broke out in sweat... could her mother be comeing home sooner? But.. she wouldnt use the doorbell, whould she?

Slowly, she walked towards the door, while the stupid idiot in front of it was still ringing like mad...

And after a couraged push of the handle, the door was open... revealing no other than... Rein?

"Good morning, sweetheart..." she grinned, all smugly and without even bother asking, she stepped into Crimsons house.

"R-rein? What are YOU doing here now? This starts to sound like a boring RPG..."

"Since when do you know my adress? We arent that close!" Crimson was completely shocked, now haveing all four of her typical Own Caracters in flesh in front of her.

"Well, you see, hon, i have my ways... some guys know other guys who know Micheal. And thats how i got here... never thought Hellsing whould be hanging around here, though... got a little more intimate, did you?" Reins mockery voice only made Sommer blush, and Crimson angry.

"Rein, i am NOT in love with him and whatever drugs you gave Micheal, i do not give a shit."

"I do!" Sommer cheered, not exactly knowing what they talked about. Hellsing sighed deeply, trying to solve the problem..

"Just calm down, Crimson.. theres no problem so far..."

"No Problem?! NO PROBLEM!!?!? Mom is going to kill me if shes gonna know a guy was with me.. and shes gonna kill both me and herself if she finds out about the bisexual sex maniac who unexpectedly came here, too! Im gonna have a freaking CRISIS!!!"

"Hah... Crimson, did you ever think of what would happen if Hellsing would be real?" the only guy in the group sure had strange dreams.

"Sure i did... we played it all the time, dumbass." Crimson reallys was in a bad mood today... although she was happy to meet all her friends, it was kind of mean from them to just pop in without anything.

"Yeah.. but what if that actually happend? And what if we wouldnt have an RPG situation?!" Hellsings daydreams became wierder and wierder.

"Hellsing, just face it.. it isnt real. It cannot be real.. even through it hurts to say, we can never ever do that." Reins serious Voice was always kind of soft and careing, as well as hard and uncareing...

"Hes right guys, what if...? We dont know that for sure!" Sommer, for exaple, was always up for strange ideas... ALWAYS.

"And how, do you think should we do that? Just like, link in the Computer and boom, we´re there?" Crimsons rethorical Question was answered... by something nobody would ever have thought of.

"Precisely... the key to the Anime Dimension tho seek, is nothing else than the Maschine it was created of... but an interdemensional vortex can be dangerous for all of us. Since you, my dear childs, are all so urgent to get there, i allow this just as once... but everything comes with a price." The loud, low speaking voice inside the room matched none of the bodys... and it seemed to come from above...

"I-is that you God?!" Crimson said, unsure what to do now.

"Yes, it is me. Former creator of the world, and father of all mankind. I will allow you to go into the Hellsing Dimension... even you, Rein, will be allowed to, even if you dont believe in me. But before you do, you must prove to really be a fan.."

"W-what do we have to do?" Hellsing asked, frightened of any consequences.

"You must prove to be a real Hellsing Fan by saying all four of Paladin Andersons prayers.."

Everyone looked at Hellsing... after all, he was the most fanatic fanboy of them.

"Okay... i take the challenge. Prayer number one: "If anyone does not love the lord, Jesus Christ, let him be accursed, oh Lord come, AMEN."

"Correct. Three of them are left."

Hellsing cleared his throat, before saying the second prayer. "We are Gods representives. Earthly Agents of devine punishment. Our Mission, is to destroy down to the last wee bit who whould oppose our God."

"Yes, that is correct. Two prayers left."

Getting nervous, he continued: "Tho we ask you aloud, who are you? We are Iscariot, the Legion of Jude Iscariot. Then we ask of you, Iscariot, what is it that you have in your right hand?! We are clutching the dagger, we are clutching the Poison! If thats the case, Iscariot, what is it that you grasp firmly in your left hand? We are grasping 30 pieces of Silver, we are grasping a halter made out of straw! If thats the case, Iscariot, what are you? We are apostles, yet not apostles, we are disciples, yet not disciples, we are believers, yet not believers, we are traitors, yet not traitors, we are death, the minions of death, we are assasins.The ones who have embraced the ways of Judas Iscariot! We are those who whom swing our daggers on a moonless night, we are the ones who lace your dinners with poison, submitting ourselves in reverence of God, we shall vanquish all of this foes. We humbly bow down, and as for forgivenness from our lord.. for our sins, when the time comes, we will cast these 30 pieces of Silver into the temple and hang ourselves with this halter made of straw. We shall band together, cabals, as we plunge into the depths of hades. We cohorts of the cloth, in Ranks of 5, are now forming an agmen quadratum, desireing to do battle with the 7,405,926 demons of hell." Hellsing took a deep breath before saying the last line: "Apoclypse NOW."

"Good, good my son.. but one last prayer is needed."

Hellsing looked cludeless at first, then he almost yelled "Ashes tho Ashes, Dust tho Dust! From Dust tho art, tho Dust tho shall return! AMEN!"

A little silence followed, then the Lord spoke again.

"Yes, that was indeed of Anderson... since this was basically the Bible itself, one of the first pages, it has nothing to do with Hellsing, therefore not proveing you to be Fan. You still need to present me one last prayer that only Alexander Anderson uses."

Rein stepped forward to Hellsing, smirking alittle. "I know the answer."

"If you do, then speak up, my child, and let me hear if it is true that you four are real fans of Hellsing."

Rein took a sec to think about it, then started to speak: "Yes, i do indeed know it. The last prayer of him is: "GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY!!"

A long, terrible silence followed... Hellsing and Crimson already thought the worst, thinking about letting the world come to an end because God whould be feeling insulted... but everything came different.

"Yes. Yes, it is correct. You four humans have sucessfully proven yourself to be worthy to go to Hellsing... but be warned. It is a dangerous world, as all of you know. You will be completely alone from the start, if you make friends with the Caracters, its your own will and your own choice. But you humans can handle such things.. for what else did i gave Adam and Eva the World and the purpose to colonize it? Now, listen close. In two hours, and not a second later, you must all be sitting in front of the Computer. Then i will open the Portal to the Hellsing World."

The Voice disappeared, leaveing the four teenagers up to an open future... but with the chance of thier lives.

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The end of chapter one... already. How did you like it? Please REVIEW!


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